Joanna Reyburn - I Still Want You

in Jacob Hanly, Peter, Prodigal

Update: August 1, 2012 - Jacob has recorded this song and it's available on iTunes, click on the YouTube Video below for more.

Jacob Hanly has written this incredible song, inspired by the life of the Apostle Peter and written at a really hard time, when like Peter, he felt disqualified. I too feel like that, a lot, and maybe that's why I love this song so much. It's good to tell the Lord you still love Him even when you feel like you've blown it. That you love Him and still want Him.

Click to Play my MP3 Version

10 Sep 2008

He Heard Me...

in Favorite Musings, Choose Life, Prodigal

Sometimes there are moments in life where I feel so lost. Now is one of those moments. It's not a hopeless lost, just more of a disoriented wandering where you wake up one morning and go, "Where am I and how did I get here? And where do I even want to be?" It's a moment similar to how I imagine the prodigal son in a field of, well pig manure, in that moment where Luke describes him "coming to his senses." I have come to my own epiphany moment. Maybe the pig-shit analogy is a bit dramatic, but I am looking at where I'm at and recognizing that I'm just not where I want to be right now.

Many times for me it's the little things that throw off my spiritual equilibrium. Things like allowing my work load, scheduling woes or my own lethargy to rob me of my spiritual disciplines; silent and soaking prayer, reading my Bible, journaling or an hour on the piano. Before I know it, I'm gorging my soul while my spirit starves. I stay up late, watch movies, aimlessly hang out, sleep in, listen to really depressing mixes on my iPod, get in other people's business, become sharp and cynical, and innocently enough a downward spiral has begun that leads to any number of increasingly depraved vices. I was talking with a friend the other day about what a bad place they were in, and what to do and how to get out of it, and I realized something: a "bad" place is one choice away from a "good" place.

So he got up and went to his father. Luke 15:20

Now I'm sure that process wasn't easy. Maybe he had to pay off a debt to his employer. Did he put in two-weeks notice? How far from home was he really, are we talking the next county or country? Did he hitch-hike? Maybe he wasn't in good health, I mean he had been working with pigs. What happened to his addiction to "pig pods." So many factors involved here. Was there a 12-step process, who was his accountability? I have any number of questions about how this all happened, but Luke doesn't really give me any help. Why did Luke, and the Holy Spirit allow the description to be so simplistic?

This is has been a crazy year for me. I am trying to process all the pieces of various relational chaos, my own uncertain future, financial instability where I'm fighting just to stay above water, family medical emergencies, ministry ambiguity, and looking for community and accountability in a bubble that can make me feel so isolated, and today I woke up going "AH! Where am I and what am I doing?" Even more frustrating, people around me that I have known and loved seem to be finding themselves in situations of veritable pig-shit, but as I've been praying about what to say and what to do, the Lord spoke to me about the power of one choice; coming home to the Father.

I'm learning that I need to do this every day. Whether it's waking up earlier, constraining my desires, repenting [again], curbing my tongue, setting aside a little time, it's as simple as coming home. For me, the thought of making one choice versus 37 lifestyle adjustments seem more manageable, more doable, more relational. If it's just about being with Papa, I can do this.

The bottom line is, I don't want to be with my "disciplines." I don't want to share a cup of tea with them, and curl up in a ball on the floor and cry. I don't want to pour out my heart to an excel sheet of 15-minute increments. But remembering that this journey isn't all that complicated. It all boils down to coming back to the Father without disqualifying myself, trying to barter for acceptance, and just letting Him love me and bring me in. I can do this, and so can you.

Let me leave you with the soundtrack that I've been playing. I think it's pretty fitting. Andrea Carr's He Heard You from the Choose LIFE cd.

Choose Life compilation album

13 Mar 2007

Some Days I'm Still an [Adopted] Prodigal

in Adoption, family, Father heart of God, Prodigal
Being adopted as I am, the Lord has taught me a thing or two about the "spirit of adoption." [Romans 8] I almost feel to an unfair advantage! I have known for the whole of my conscious life that I was adopted. I have also known without a shadow of a doubt that I am loved and accepted. I have known that, to my parents, I am a profound treasure; someone they waited years for, paid a high price for and sacrificed greatly that I may be called their daughter. Nothing could change that.
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